She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
