I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ladies don't puke and tell
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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