All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
