Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
