you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
