I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize