I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
