He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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