I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
