Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
