I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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