I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
