I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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