either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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