On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
