i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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