I accidentally had phone sex last night
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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