He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
