I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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