3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
