worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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