Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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