she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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