i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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