Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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