the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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