Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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