dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
