i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
