you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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