If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
