there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
