I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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