ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize