So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
People in love make me want to vomit
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
