I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is the high leading the old right now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
