last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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