I'm going to jail i love you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
