Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
