Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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