Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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