My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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