Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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