I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
