Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
