The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
