hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
