i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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