please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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