It's Friday. Sex?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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