how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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