Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize