I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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