I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
