I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
