I cut my penus on the lid.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
