it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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