I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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