Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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