imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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