I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
