I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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