Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
