He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
