i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
